Schlump around

Ever open your eyes in the morning and just know, for certain, that no good will come out of the day? That you have things to do, but you are going to muddle through your standard procrastinations and find yourself still schlumping around when you notice with confused horror that the sun has already set again?

It can happen. It can even happen when you have the kind of life/job/etc. where you have to go somewhere and interact with people, but if you don’t, it can be even worse.

Well, we’ve discussed the phenomenon in depth, and developed a response. It’s not a solution, mind you — just a thing you can do if you find yourself in this situation.

First, you have to cast your mind back to the hit singles of 1992, and dredge up “House of Pain”. If you were a mere babby then, and/or were not inclined to be listening to hip hop hits, this may help:

That loop is still catchy, isn’t it? However you may feel about self-styled Irish-American hooligan rap.

So you probably already know the main refrain, but learn it if not, so you can rat-a-tat it out with the beats in all the right places.

Ready?

All you have to do is get your ass out of your bed or chair, and sing that refrain, but substitute “schlump” for “jump”. Come on!

Schlump around!
Schlump around!
Schlump up, schlump up, and schlump down!

The accompanying dance is equally important — you have to somehow find ways to twitch sort of rhythmically while simultaneously demonstrating that you lack the energy and sheer will to move the bulk of your body in any substantive way. I find this is best expressed with aggressively poor posture and jumping elbows; you will have to experiment.

Important notes:

• Super bonus points if you perform your “schlump around” dance, even just a little (an eyebrow? a shoulder?), in a public and/or professional context in which it is dramatically inappropriate.
• Bonus points anyway if you merely imagine doing it in a public and/or professional context in which it is dramatically inappropriate.

Additional note: you may also find it entertaining to substitute other words that rhyme with “jump”, obviously also altering your, ah, “moves” accordingly. “Lump” and “slump” are similar in feel to “schlump”, and can be performed with minor adjustments. “Ump” for the sports fans?

How about “rump around”? …I guess the dance is obvious and unsubtle, but it has echoes of Scooby-talk (Ruh-oh!).

Others: gump (forrest?), stump & clump….